With Love
by shelizabeth
Summary: Jo writes letters to her long-lost little foster sister describing her life now and her budding friendship and relationship with her coworker Alex
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello, in addition to LG I will be starting this new story which involves a lot of Jo background in it (as you will see in this first chapter) I'm VERY excited about this story but of course the first chapter is always a gamble because it all depends on if you guys like it or not! Please please pleeeease leave me reviews and let me know what you think/ if you'd be interested in reading more from this story. And once again... thank you soooo much for everything guys(:**

I hear the front door open and a loud crashing sound. Then, yelling and my youngest sister crying. Oh Hannah. Be strong, Han. You're only going to make him more mad. I can hear her coming up the hallway, her cries getting louder with every step. I live in a small house. It's actually an okay size, but it's cramped. There's 12 foster kids living here and there's only one floor. There's four bedrooms all down one narrow hallway, and that's where we all stay. I share a room with Hanny and another girl named Rae. I'm pretty sure it's not her real name, but she won't confirm it, so we all just call her Rae. She's a year older than me, 17. I'm almost 16. Hannah is the youngest girl of the house, she's seven.

Me and Han have always had a good relationship. She got placed in the house a year ago and ever since then, I try my best to look out for her. I can't always, but I try my best. I really do.

"Come here, Han." I say when she closes the door behind her, patting the empty spot next to me on my little twin sized bed. The mattress is thin and worn, and the scratchy puke colored green blanket is virtually useless. But I try not to complain. Some people have it way worse. I've known worse.

Hannah obeys, and walks over to lay down next to me. I let her curl up because I figure my body heat can keep her a little warmer. I use my thumb to wipe the tears on her cheeks.

"You don't have any business crying like that Han," I reprimand her. "You know that never helps anything."

"It really hurt this time." She tells me. Brian is our foster dad. He's not the worst one I've known, but he definitely isn't winning any father of the year awards. He mostly stays out of our business. And every month, he makes Trish, his wife, take us out shopping for whatever we need that month. Usually I get my share of feminine products, but last time I got a sweatshirt and a pillow on sale, too. He says its all our money he gets for us, but I know it's a lie. I've seen the checks before. It's definitely not all, but I try to be grateful for the something. A couple times a week though, Brian gets real drunk. He's an angry drunk, that's for sure. He comes home at any hour, and he comes through the door hollering. Anyone in the way is usually the one who takes most of the blow. Most of the time the days he goes out are the weekends or Mondays, and so most of us have done our best to stay out his line of vision. I try my best to keep Hannah safe, but sometimes she doesn't like to listen. I usually get her in the room by eight o clock, but once in a while he comes home even earlier than that. I look at the digital clock on the wooden shelf in between me and Rae's bed. It's 6:36pm. I don't want to risk going out there again tonight in case he still around, so I tell Hannah we should go to bed.

"I'm not tired," she tells me.

"I know, baby. But we better get some sleep."

"It's early, still."

"Hannah." I say sternly.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?"

Our room is pretty small for three people living in it. My bed shares the same wall as the door and it's a trundle bed. That means underneath it there's another bed you pull out like a drawer. That's where Hannah sleeps. Right where her bed stops, it's Rae's bed. Han always complains that Rae steps on her getting out in the morning. I tell her Rae has no choice. Secretly, I'm a little afraid of Rae. She could fuck all of us up if she wanted to, so I try to stay on her good side. In between our beds, there's a single shelf on the wall. Brian got this shelf instead of a nightstand so he could have space to pull out the trundle bed and fit a third person sleeping in the room. Anything for money I guess.

I feel bad for Hannah today because I can see the redness on her cheek. I tell her she can stay up with me and sleep in my bed tonight. At seven at night, I drift off, dreaming of my future. Someday I'll be a doctor. A pediatrician. Maybe even a surgeon.

"Han... Hanny... Hannah," I say getting louder each time. "Wake up." Her cheek isn't only red now, but it's bruising. "Are you hungry? Let's get something to eat." It's seven in the morning. I know Hannah must be starving because it's been almost 15 hours since she's eaten. She wakes up slowly, and I watch her chubby hands rub her eyes awake. "Let's go." I tell her. "I'll go with you." I assure her, because I know she won't want to go out there alone. Not if Brian is home. I don't know why she's so terrified of him, because he's never been too extraordinarily bad. Maybe she's just still young. It's a lot to take in. She wasn't supposed to live like this. She had incredible parents, I can tell just by the way she talks about them. They died in a car accident last year. Hannah was at her grandmas, but her grandma didn't have the means to take care of her. So she entered the system. I feel really sad for her sometimes, but I try not to dwell on it because it does no one any good and you can't change the past.

Holding Hannah's hand, we walk into the kitchen together. I ask her if cereal is good, but we both know it's either that or left-over frozen casserole from last night. I start pouring her a bowl when she tells me she's going to the bathroom. I tell her to hurry up or the cereal will get soggy, since I already started pouring the milk. She says she only has to pee so she will be. I sit down and start eating my own bowl. I don't have milk in mine because there was only a little bit left and I sure as hell don't want to be the one to use the last of it. I start dreaming about my future. I know it seems impossible, but I want to go to college so badly. I make good grades in school. I'm second in my class. I would be first I think, but I got behind earlier in the year when Brian hit my head on a lamp and I had to get stitches. I've only got one year of high school left after this, and later this year I need to start looking at colleges if I'm going to be real serious about it. I have one teacher I really like this year, her name is Ms. Schmitt. I don't have many friends because I don't like getting real close to people. I don't like the whole opening up thing. Most people don't care. They're just curious. Ms. Schmitt knows everything though, and sometimes I stay after and talk to her just about things. Nothing in particular, but I always feel better after.

When I finish my cereal, I realize Hannah still hasn't come back. Normally I'd leave her to her own devices, but she said she wouldn't be long so I decide to check on her. I walk down the narrow hallway where our bedrooms are, at the very end is the tiny bathroom. There's barely room to stand in there. I knock on the door with just my knuckles.

"Han...? You in there?" But no response. But I can hear her. It sounds almost like... whimpering. "Han open this door right now or I'm going to kick it in and then we'll both be in trouble!"

At this, the door swings open, and Brian walks out. He's got a smile on his face, but something about it makes me feel uneasy in my stomach. Hannah is sitting on the toilet, holding her face in her hands.

"Hannah, what happened? Did he hurt you?" It's a question, but it sounds like a demand. "Talk to me, Han. You can talk to me." I say, trying to make my voice less rough around the edges. I rub my hand up and down her back.

"It hurts." She says softly.

"What hurts?" I say. "What hurts Han?"

At this, she starts crying. I close the bathroom door. "Shhhhh." I say. "Tell me what hurts."

She places her hand right below her stomach, and after a minute I understand what she is implying and I can't help it, I let out a small gasp.

"He did that to you?" She nods. "How long?" I say, angrily. "How long has he been doing it?"

"Since I got here. He said everyone has to do it. It's how you earn your place." She explains to me. I cannot help myself from shaking from anger. All those times she was afraid to go out alone when she knew he was home, I thought it was Hannah being too afraid. Against my better judgement, I leave Hannah in the bathroom and stomp out to find Brian.

I find him sitting at the small kitchen table, eating Hannah's soggy cereal. The wooden table is old and discolored and has stains from years of use. The chairs around it are unmatching, picked up from yard sales and dumpsters. Brian is wearing a black shirt with a hole in it and black boxers and an ugly red and green plaid bathrobe on top. His hair is slimy and gross and his teeth are yellowed. How did I never notice how repulsive he is? I wonder to myself. I guess I never cared to get a good look at him. I always tried to stay out of his way. But as I approach him, I picture Hannah's scared face, showing me where he hurt her.

"Brian, can I ask you something?" I say, in the sweetest tone I can muster. Which isn't very sweet. He stops eating and looks up at me, confused. I think it's the first time we've spoken. When his eyes meet mine, I don't hold back. I use all the force I've accumulated sticking up for myself in the past 16 years, and I bring my fist to his face. I aim for his jaw, but I hit more of his nose. It starts bleeding. While he jumps up screaming what the fuck, I take my right leg and kick him in his no-good-dirty-evil balls that he doesn't deserve to have.

I know what I got coming to me, so I run to my room. Hannah is already there, sitting on my bed.

"Han, we gotta get out of here. We gotta run." I tell her urgently. I have no plan, no idea what I'm going to do. But I know we gotta leave. I have a car I bought myself a couple months ago, it's kind of junk, but it runs and we can get away in it. She watches me stuff all my things in a plastic bag, then uses the bag I gave her to start packing. She tells me Casey is in the living room where she was last night before Brian got home, and I tell her to get it quickly. Casey is Hannah's stuff toad from her old house. She carries it everywhere. I think it reminds her of where she came from.

"I just called the social worker to report the danger you are to the other kids. She's on her way right now to get you to stay in a facility until they re-place you somewhere. Oh, I see you got a head start on packing." Brian's voice leaks from the doorway.

Fuck, I think. Right now. They could be here any second. Brian watches me pack for a few minutes until he finally leaves. Right out of the narrow hallway is the front door, so I have to go right now. Just then, Hannah comes back in the room.

"I can't find Casey." She tells me, distraught.

"Hanny, I have to go. Right now. You'll be safe for a couple hours, okay? I'm going to come back for you as soon as I can. And we're going to be free of this, okay? We're gonna live in a nice house and be happy. Just you and me. I'll be back, okay?"

"Just you and me?" Hannah asks, unsure.

"Just you and me." I promise.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm sorry, I know this story may be a little slow picking up, but don't worry. There will be plenty of Jolex in it. Be patient, my friends. It is coming.**

**_Nine Years Later_**

_Dear sweet Hannah,_

_How is everything? I'm sorry it's been so long and I haven't written. My life has been insane, but I've thought about you every day, I promise. I hope everything is going okay for you. I know you were strong. I hope you found love, wherever you are. You deserved that. I want you to know I did come back for you, I did. I snuck back in two days later from that tiny bedroom window we always complained about. You remember that? I snuck in but you were gone. All your stuff was gone. It was like no trace of you ever existed in that room. I didn't know if you changed rooms or something so I waited for Rae to get back. I waited for hours. When she returned, she told me you moved homes already. That Brian had you move. I don't know what happened after that, but I swear I had a meltdown of some sort. I realized I would probably never see you again. And every day since then not only do I think of your thin brown hair and tiny nose and innocent laugh, but I am haunted by the empty promise I made to you. I've spent years wishing I never left you. That I just waited a little longer and took you. I blamed myself. But I have to believe, wherever you are now, you're happier. If you're happy, I'm happy._

_Can't wait to see you again soon. Just you and me._

_With love,_

_Jo_

I put the pencil down, because I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is my graduation. I finished medical school top of my class, and next month I'm moving to Seattle and already starting my surgical residency program at Grey Sloan Memorial. I can't believe I did it. It doesn't escape my mind that this is what I've always wanted. Even I had doubts in myself, but I'm at such a good place right now. My only regret is that I wish Hannah was here to see this. I wish I could have taken care of her.

Nine years ago, when I was sixteen, I ended up living in my car. I lived there for about a year and a half. Until high school was over, and I got accepted to Princeton University on a full scholarship. I cried for hours when Ms. Schmitt told me I got that letter, before I even read the acceptance. Since I was living in my car, she let me use her address for all my mail while I was applying to colleges.

Ms. Schmitt definitely saved my life. She let me sneak in to the school to shower in the locker rooms and in the small washing machine in the janitor closet on the main floor, she let me do my laundry. She had to sneak me in, which means she got to the school an hour earlier than every other teacher. Which means she lost an hour of sleep. She did that for me almost every single mornings, with exceptions. Sometimes I showered quickly after gym periods. You're not supposed to, but I liked to give Ms. Schmitt a break as much as I can.

When I went back to get Hannah, Rae told me some bullshit about Brian telling the social worker about how he's paying for therapy for me because he cares about me too much to lose me, and all this shit. That way Brian still gets a check for me and I'm not there to worry about anymore. The social worker had insisted he follow up with me, so I don't know how Brian got around that one. But he's Brian, so I'm sure he found a way. I liked the social worker. He's a real nice guy. The only male one I ever saw in the office, and he was assigned to me. He was bald on the top of his head but he had a little scruff for facial hair and his eyes kinda had a warm feeling to them. He was nice, but he was a little dumb I think. I mean of course he was intelligent but he lacked common sense. He thought the world was perfect and foster parents were selfless and a gift to children in the system. So I could see how Brian could get around him.

Hannah would be sixteen today. The age I was when I left the system. It's hard to imagine her grown up. I wonder what she'd look like. Would her brown hair be longer and thicker, or did she cut it short? Her green eyes were always too big for her face, so I wonder if she'd have grown into them. Mostly, I wonder what her personality would be like. I wonder if she would still be soft and open, or if the world around her would have beaten her down so many times that she'd become hard and untrusting.

It's getting late. I usually have trouble sleeping for some reason, but on nights like tonight my anxiety only makes it worse. I know I have to be up in under six hours, so I can't fall asleep at all. I reach over and shut my lamp off. Maybe if I close my eyes, I can stop thinking for a moment.

As I'm laying in the dark, I realize for nine years I've let me past haunt me. At times, thinking about Hannah has almost destroyed me. I wouldn't take back leaving, but I wish it could have gone differently. But no, stop. Stop Jo. I can't think about that anymore. Tomorrow I graduate. Then I'm going to be a surgical intern at a hospital on the other side of the country. I get a whole new start. I want to live in the present, but I fall asleep dreaming of Seattle Grace. I imagine meeting new friends that become lifelong, inspiring mentors that change my view on medicine, and maybe even a boy that falls in love with me just like a fairytale. No, don't Jo. You can't afford to think like that.

Focus on the present.


	3. Chapter 3

_Dear Hannah,_

_I hope everything is well. I've been thinking about you so much the last couple weeks. I just moved to Seattle a couple weeks ago and I really like it here. The weather isn't actually all that different from New Jersey. I wish you could come visit and see my apartment. Oh, I started work. I'm a surgical intern. I wish you could visit the hospital and see what it's like. I really wish I knew what you were up to. What you wanted to do with your life. You could have been anything. Maybe you would have even wanted to be a doctor. You were smart enough. Even when you were young, you were so smart. I'm working with the same doctor I did when I started. He's my boss, so he's in control of if I get into surgeries and stuff. And that's really important you know, because I need experience in surgeries to get more surgeries and therefore start building my career. But it's so hard to be nice and respectful to him because he's a major douchebag. Literally we started a week ago and I'm pretty sure he's slept with every female except me at least once in the on-call room. And he doesn't let me do anything. I'm always getting labs for surgeries I don't get into and getting him coffee. I think he's bitter because I've made it clear to him I'm not interested at all. Which is totally not fair. I'm pretty sure it's discrimination. But I can handle myself, I always have. I have to go now because the sun is coming up, and I need to run or I'll be late for pre-rounds. I'll write soon._

_With love,_

_Jo_

I lick the envelope and leave it on my desk before grabbing my keys and go. At the door, my right shoe is missing so I go on a quick manhunt. After tearing apart my living room, I find it about ten feet from where my left shoe was. Fuck, I think. Now I'm annoyed already and I have to deal with McDouchebag today. In the car I take deep breaths because I don't want to be in a bad mood. I tell myself I'm worked up over nothing and to relax. I think maybe I have some type of anxiety. Because once something upsets me, I start getting upset over everything. And it just seems to spiral out of control. Maybe it's some type of mood disorder. But I just get really anxious over everything, if things go wrong, or I don't know what to say, or I'm in a crowd of people. But I've learned to manage it. Usually deep breaths and reminding myself nothing is permanent helps a lot.

"You're late." Dr. Karev says in a flat tone, and I try not to let it get me worked up again.

"Sorry," I apologize. "I lost a shoe and traffic was-"

"Don't be late again." He tells me. I nod. "I need coffee and labs on the patient in bed 14B." Again, I nod and turn away from him and start moving towards the beds. We're in the ER today, which usually means frantic but boring work. Sometimes though, a big case comes in. I could really use that today, I think. It's unlikely, but still maybe I could get some type of surgery. Then I tell myself to stop kidding myself. That's another bad habit I have. I think I'm too realistic. I like being practical and realistic. If I start dreaming too much, I yell at myself. I don't like getting my hopes up, so I try my hardest to keep my expectations as low as I can.

"Wilson!" I hear as I stitch up a larger old man that says he fell off his roof. His CT was clear, which was kinda amazing.

"Hold on one moment?" I ask him sweetly, and he smiles and nods. Approaching Alex, I say "Yes?"

"Scrub in. Woman came in here and needs her gallbladder removed immediately before it ruptures."

"Me?" I say, incredulous.

"Should I get someone else?" His tone is so thick with sarcasm it's almost hard to understand the words he's saying.

"No. Okay. Let me get someone to finish my sutures."

"I already have someone covering. Go scrub."

After the surgery, I try to thank Alex for letting me scrub in, but he seems disinterested in hearing it. He brushes me off like I'm an annoying child that won't stop asking for candy.

"What's your problem?" I say annoyed, but immediately regretting it.

"What?" His tone doesn't hide his shock at my outburst.

My voice get's a little softer and timid this time. "I mean, you obviously have a problem with me. Every other intern you jump into bed with and you send me to get you coffee. This is the first surgery you let me scrub in on without anyone else forcing you. So, please, just tell me. What is your problem?" By the time, I finish talking I can feel my own voice sound exasperated.

"I don't have a problem with you. I don't care about you enough to have a problem with you. You're an intern, you get the shit end of the stick more often than not. If you can't handle it, get out of the program."

"I can handle it." I say with gritted teeth, but he's already leaving the scrub room.

I can handle it. It's nothing like I expected so far. No boy I'm falling in love with, the closest I have to a best friend is the intern Stephanie we we talk a little bit in the locker room, and most definitely no incredible mentors. It's like I expected, but I can handle it just fine. I mean, I have survived worse.

I have to be successful. I want to make Hannah proud. I want to show her it was worth it. Maybe if I can justify it to her, I can justify leaving to myself. I made something of myself. Look Hannah, I'm sorry I left you behind. But it wasn't for absolutely nothing. At least something good came out of it, right? I'm sorry I broke my promises and let you down. I'm sorry I wasn't the one to show not all people will leave you. I'm sorry.

If I have to deal with my douchebag boss to show her, then I can do that.


	4. Chapter 4

_Dear Hannah,_

_I hope you're doing okay. I miss that smile of yours. I wish I knew what your favorite color is, or if the sound of beds squeaking still makes you giggle uncontrollably. I remember that night Trish came in yelling at us over making too much noise and upsetting Brian. Of course that made us laugh louder because Trish was so crazy and Brian wasn't even home. I ended up having to hold my hand over your mouth so you'd stop giggling, but I could still hear your little laugh. It was so happy and innocent. I remember wishing I could give you the gift of that laugh forever. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry, Han. You deserved so much more. Well, here in Seattle, I think life is starting to really settle in. I've been seeing this guy named Cory. He's pretty nice. He's a physician at Grey Sloan, so he's not much up in the surgical wing. He asked me out a few weeks ago. Nothing special though. I don't really see a future, but he's okay for now. It helps to have someone around. I wish you were here though. I wish I could talk to you, and be there for you. I've also been talking to Stephanie more. I don't know if I mentioned her to you yet. She seems pretty nice, and she's my year. Except she's very competitive. I guess I'm not really in a place to be picky about my friends though. She asked me to hang out tonight, and I think I'll go. She's been dating an attending surgeon that the whole hospital is swooning over, and I guess she needs a double date. I have nothing better to do. I mean, Cory is just casual anyway, so it's not like he'll mind. If you were here, I'd laugh about the whole situation with you. We'd laugh and make those gross makeshift marshmallows in the microwave with the stale graham crackers. You loved those. It's like you didn't even care they were stale. Maybe because you never had a fresh one, you never knew what you were missing._

_I guess I should get ready now. I miss you so much Hannah. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and your life. You would have been great._

_With love,_

_Jo_

* * *

"Are you going out tonight?" Cory asks me, from my bed. He's laying down, flipping through a magazine. I'm just about getting up from my desk.

"Uhh... yeah." I tell him. "Stephanie asked me to do this favor for a guy so he wouldn't be a third wheel..."

"Like... a date?" Cory says confused. His dirty blonde hair matches his green eyes and light skin tone.

"Well I don't know... it's nothing serious or anything. I mean it's not like we are- we're not anything..."

"We're not anything?"

"Well, I don't know..." I can feel my tone becoming more and more unsure of myself with everything I say. Come on, Jo. You know better than this. Don't let them hear the shake in your voice!

"Josie," he says and the muscles on my face cringe. I don't like when people call me that for some reason. It's always felt more demeaning to me. "I want this to be something real. I like you a lot. I think you're really special and I don't want... I don't want you to see anyone else."

I can't help but tilt my head a little at him. He really confused me. Could he possibly be feeling this much so soon? I guess when it's right you just know. But wouldn't I know too?

"I'm doing it as a favor for my friend. That's it." I tell him, and he nods and kisses me. For some reason, I feel a little weird. I tell myself to snap out of it. Maybe it's because I'm still thinking about Hannah. But I don't know if I'm ready to be exclusive with him. I realize I like more as a friend than anything.

"I'm gonna head out now. Call me later?" He asks, giving me another peck on my lips. I nod. Snap out of it, Jo. You're gonna mess everything up in your life again if you don't snap out of it. I try to let Hannah slip my mind, but she is everything. She is her favorite color in my dress, and the overexcited bounce of my curls. I walk down to Stephanie's car outside of my apartment building, trying to calm myself down.

"Hey girl. Thanks for doing this." She says, looking at me. She has contacts in and her hair straightened. Very pretty.

"No problem. Where are we going?"

"Well we're meeting at the bar first." She tells me and I nod. On the way I think about making it home after. It calms me down, imagining being home by myself again. A night out will be good for me. I do want to make more friendships.

When we walk in, my jaw drops when I spot Jackson Avery. And sitting next to him in a tux is none other than Dr. Douchebag.

"Stephanie!" I whisper fiercely. "You set me up with my BOSS?" I can almost feel the intensity of the spit coming from my mouth when I talk.

"No, it's casual. It's not going to be weird I promise." But it already is weird. It's my fault because everything I do is weird. And earlier today he let me perform a part of the surgery on my own and I messed up and went to his boss and blamed him. But Stephanie doesn't know that.

"I'm leaving." I hear Alex's voice say.

"Wait!" I say, surprising myself. I freeze for a moment. Stephanie stands beside Jackson, both looking as shocked as I'm positive I do. He turns around to face me, and I lower my tone to speak just to him. "I'm really sorry, about today. I messed up."

"Yeah, you did."

"Listen, I'm apologizing," I try not to sound annoyed. "You shouldn't ruin your night. I can leave if you want."

He thinks for a moment. "No it's whatever. I don't care."

We both sit down at the bar and order a drink. "So where are we going?"

"My mother's wedding." Jackson says, and I almost spit out my sip of my drink.

"A wedding? Your moms? Stephanie you didn't tell me." I say as I start to realize she didn't tell me a lot of things about tonight. Just then all of our beepers go off, and we simultaneously look down at it.

"911. It's Richard." Jackson says, making eye contact with Alex. And then I realize Richard was the groom.

"Oh shit." I say under my breath. "Let's go!"

"Not with alcohol in your system." Jackson says to both me and Alex and my jaw drops. As they leave I sit back down, deflated.

"I wish I could take back my choices from about five minutes ago." I mutter, and at this Alex laughs.

"Life isn't that easy, princess."

"Is that why you hate me?" I ask. "You think I'm some type of princess?"

"Well, not all of us have richie rich parents to pay for everything we want in life."

"You don't even know me." I assure him.

"I know enough."

"Really? Because it sounds like you know nothing. It sounds like you have no idea about anything. Because I'm sure you don't know that my mom dropped me off at a fire station when I was two weeks old. And I'm sure you don't know I was in and out of foster care homes until I was 16 and started living in my car behind my school. And I'm almost positive you don't know that I worked my ass off to get through the schools I went to. I'm sure you don't know all of that, because if you did, I'm sure you wouldn't make yourself sound so stupid."

"Wow..." He says. "I didn't know."

"Clearly we already went over that."

"I'm sorry..." He starts.

"It's fine." I interrupt him before he can finish his train of thought. He holds up his hand to Joe to signal to get two more drinks. "You don't have to." I tell him.

"No, it's no big deal. Let me. We can ditch the wedding if you want." The way he says it I don't know if it's a statement or a question, but I give him a small smile with my nod.


	5. Chapter 5

_Dear Hannah,_

_ Remember Dr. Douchebag? You'll never guess, but I think we're actually friends. I don't like saying that word, because usually when I say the word "friend" something gets messed up. But we've become almost... close. Like real friends. I'm still learning Alex speak, though. His name is Alex, did I tell you that? He's got a rough side. His life, it was like ours, Han. But he made something of himself. He's an incredible doctor and an incredible teacher. And at the hospital, I think I'm really finding my place. All the interns have been great. Although I did mess up one surgery. I got awarded the first solo surgery- which is a really big deal. But I messed it up and froze and my attending had to take over. That was so hard. I actually wanted to drop out of the program for a few days, but I had to keep reminding myself that mistakes happen to everyone. I focused on this quote, it reads "Mistakes are proof that you're trying". I try to remember that. I try not to be so hard on myself, but it's so hard. Remember that time I got a C on a test when you first came to live with Brian and Trish? I was beating myself up so badly. You were only six, but you came in silently and held my hand and I cried because I thought I ruined my future. Of course it didn't even have that much weight on my total gpa. I don't know why I killed myself over it so much. I realize I still get like that with myself, but I don't have anyone to hold my hand anymore. Somehow when I'm crying now my hand feels even colder, like there's something missing. Like my body knows what I left behind, and doesn't want me to forget. Wow, I'm sorry. I got so wrapped up in my own life I forgot to start off my letter asking how you are. I hope everything is well. Oh, I'm still with Cory. I agreed to be exclusive with him. I don't know how I feel about it though. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I miss you._

_With love,_

_Jo_

As I pull the chair out from my desk, I'm thinking about Alex. I don't know why, but I'm wondering what he's doing. I think maybe I'd call him up tonight if I wasn't going out with Cory. Speaking of, he'll probably be over in a few minutes. He was supposed to be here an hour ago, but I've learned to plan around his lack of time management ability. I don't think he's been on time once since I started seeing him. I should probably fix my hair a little but I let out a yawn when I stand up and my bed looks amazing, so I decide to lay down for just a minute. Secretly I wish Cory would cancel tonight for some reason so I don't have to go out, but it's almost impossible. I yawn again before deciding to rest my eyes for a few minutes. I realize how little I ever want to be around Cory, and I realize I'm wasting my time on someone I have no future with. My last thought before I fall asleep is how I probably should break up with him.

At almost one in the morning, I wake up disoriented. I turn the tv on to the news to find out the time, because the remote is closer than the light switch to see any clocks. I grab my phone and see no missed calls. What happened with Cory? Did he never stop by? That's unlike him. Usually he's late, but he's never blown me off. Is he going to break up with me, I wonder? I don't feel any dread at this idea... in fact, I almost feel relief. Then I don't have to do it. I decide to call him, but I get no answer. I decide not to pursue it though. I get up to go to the bathroom and I'm suddenly not tired at all. I decide to text Alex when I get back to my bed just for kicks, even though he's probably sleeping.

Me: Hey.

I decide to flip through the channels, but I can't find anything that holds my attention. I shut it off and start going through my phone. When it vibrates, I feel my stomach get nervous. Why am I feeling like this? I try not to get ahead of myself. It's supposed to be professional. Oh god, I shouldn't have texted him. This is so inappropriate. What was I thinking? Oh god, oh god. I'm too nervous to open the text. I tell myself to relax.

Alex: Hey. Why u up?

Me: Can't sleep. what ab u?

I calm down. That definitely could have gone worse. He could have told me it's too inappropriate to text him at one in the morning when I can't sleep, because it really is. Why did I text him? Because I was thinking of him, I realize.

Alex: Rsrch for pssble surgery. Thinking 2 much?

Me: Yea kinda. New surgery?

Alex: Ya. hopefully all goes well.

Me: Hopefully. so i can get in on it

Alex: Haha. if u get lucky. ;)

Me: Which I will be;)

Alex: Lol. we'll see. See u tomorrow for rounds. Dont b late.

Me: I wont be. thnx for talking 2 me.

Oh my god. Did I just thank him for talking to me? My hands are sweaty, I realize and I was freaking out over every text so much that I didn't even realize it's a quarter to three. I have to be up in an hour and a half for work, and I can't decide if I should try to sleep or just stay up for a little and go in early. But after a few minutes, I'm asleep and before I know it, I'm waking up to the sound of my alarm. I'm extra tired this morning. I check my phone, still no messages from Cory. I send him a text asking if everything is okay and I see my recent texts to Alex in my inbox. My heart races a little, and I'm suddenly nervous to go into work and face him after the texts. I wonder if he's nervous too. No, of course not. Pull it together, Jo. He's your boss. You can not afford thinking like this. You have Cory. He's safe. He doesn't make you feel like you're only half of who you're supposed to be without him. And most importantly, he's not your boss. But he's disappeared into thin air, anyway. I have no way to contact him, I realize. I have no way of knowing if he's even okay unless he responds to me. I try not to think about it though. I try not to focus on loss too much, because when I lost Hannah I really let it destroy me.

I don't know if I have any more room in me for heartache.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hi." I say, sheepishly. I realize I'm playing with my earrings, a terrible habit I have when I get nervous, and will myself to stop.

"Hi. You're early." Alex tells me, without looking up. At least he's not acting weird though.

"Yeah." I say. The hospital lights are dim and all the windows are still drawn shut, but the darkness seeps in through the cracks.

"I have surgery with Cristina today on a newborn with a heart defect. Do you wanna scrub in?"

"What? Yes!"

"Great." His tone is almost flat though. "I'll have Murphy do my charts."

"Okay." I nod. Is he mad at me? Stop it, Jo. You're being paranoid. He has no reason to be mad.

"Can you get started on pre-ops before Cristina gets here?"

"Okay."

Working on post-op charts, I'm sitting by Daisy, the newborn in the ICU. She's still too fragile to have visitors come in, but I don't think she should be left alone. I try and talk to her about what I'm doing, because I think she knows if someone is around.

"Hey." Alex says, coming up from behind me.

"Oh, hey."

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, I didn't want her to be alone. I know it sounds dumb but-"

"No, it's sweet."

"Thanks," My cheeks flush when I smile. "Did you need something?"

"Well, actually, yeah. I was going to ask if you wanted to get a drink to celebrate today. The surgery went great."

"That sounds great," I tell him. "But I kinda wanna stay with her."

He nods like he understands. To my surprise, he pulls up a chair. "What are you doing?" I ask.

"You shouldn't be alone either." He tells me.

"You really don't have to do that." I assure him.

"You inspired me." He tells me. And despite my best efforts, my cheeks recolor the red I had just shaken off. "So how she's doing?" He asks.

"Better, you know, it's been hard settling in but I'm actually kinda starting to feel more comfortable now." At his confused look, I stop. "Oh my god, you said she not you, didn't you? Oh my god, this is so embarrassing. I, um, wow.. um okay. She's, um, doing really good. Her stats are stable." I can't even look at him by the time I finish, and as I'm staring at the floor I hear his laugh. "Don't laugh, you jerk!" I say, looking up and feeling a little better.

"I'm sorry, but you just got so flustered. I couldn't help it."

"Shut up!" I yell at him, but I can't hold back a smile. "I can't believe I just did that."

"Me either." He agrees.

"Shut up!" I reiterate to him, and his smile is like magnets forcing me to do the same.

When I wake up at four in the morning still next to Daisy, I check her monitors right away. Everything looks good and she's sound asleep. Next I check the chair next to me, where Alex still is sitting sound asleep.

"Alex..." I say softly, brushing his shoulder. He jolts awake. "Sorry! I didn't mean to wake you like that."

He blinks a little to fight the disorientation then asks me the time. "She's looking good." He tells me, looking at Daisy.

"I know!" I say, excitedly. I can't help but imagine the future Daisy has now. She can be class president, or even president of the United States. She can be homecoming queen or captain of the football team. She can run a corporate business or be a five star chef or stay at home with ten children. She has an entire, amazing life ahead of her because of the advancements in medicine of this day and age. Medicine is so exciting.

Alex begins folding up the metal chair he slept on overnight. I was in a more comfortable cloth one meant for mothers visiting their babies as they get healthier.

"Thanks again," I tell him. "For staying with me all night."

"It was for Daisy too." He assures me. "But you can make it up to me by finally getting that drink with me."

"Okay," I agree through a smile erupting on my face. Stop, Jo. This is as friends. You can't be getting into things like this at work. You worked too hard to jeopardize it. Think of Hannah.

Always think of Hannah, I remind myself.

_Dear Hannah,_

_How is everything? You'll never guess what has been happening in my life. It's like right out of a story book or something. I think Alex likes me. I think he's like, interested in me. Actually I'm almost positive. He asked me out on a date. Well, at first I thought it was just friends, because it was just a drink and he's my boss. You know the whole deal. I'm not trying to get ahead of myself. But then we get to Joe's bar, this place across from the hospital and he's being so nice. Like he even told me I looked good. And you don't know him, so I have to tell you, this is really out of character for him. It was like he actually was interested in talking to me for once. Usually he's really closed off to people. So anyway, I was starting to think it's a date and I was even starting to wonder if he was going to try anything with me that night. And then out of nowhere, Cory pops up! Right at the bar. He hasn't responded to my texts or calls in days and then all of a sudden he was there. I don't know if he was following me or it was just a coincidence, but either way, I didn't want anything to do with him! I told him it wasn't right that he just disappeared without telling me and he agreed! So then he apologizes and asks to buy me a drink when I'm clearly already drinking one next to Alex. I decline and he got so angry. In a way, it almost reminded me of Brian when he was drunk. I think Cory may have been drunk, but I honestly couldn't even tell. It was a little out of character for him though, because when I decline he got so angry. He went off calling me all these things like a two-timing bitch and a whore and all these terrible things, Han. I didn't know what to do. I felt so embarrassed and awkward because not only was it front of the entire bar, but it was in front of Alex. I have to work with Alex basically everyday. So I'm begging him to stop, but he won't, and eventually he gets escorted out of the bar. Then I turn to Alex and apologize and it was almost as if he was upset! He was like "you're dating that douchebag?" I tried to tell him I wasn't really anymore, but things just got awkward. Anyway, he was still really sweet and escorted me home and went up the stairs to make sure I got in my apartment safely. So anyway, that's where we all stand now. It was so crazy, Hannah! Who would have thought after everything that's already happened, this might be the craziest my life has ever been! I wish you were here so we could talk about these things. I know you would know exactly what to say. Oh, Cory is calling me. I think I'm going to answer just to see what he has to say. Wish me luck!_

_With love,_

_Jo_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: A quick note to thank you for the reviews and for giving this story a chance! I know it's mostly Jo-centric right now but I promise Jolex is going to play a big part in the story. I had the ending before I even started so I know how it's going to play it out, I just have to organize it into logical chapters. I'm sorry if some are lacking a sufficient amount of Jolex... but I can tell you next chapter will hopefully make up for it a little;) Enjoy and THANK YOU! for the reviews. Always motivates me to get these posted a little faster :) **

"Hello?"

"Hey Josie." I hear Cory's voice, and I cringe. I actually consider hanging up for a moment, but I tell myself it doesn't matter.

"Jo." I remind him though.

"Right. I just always thought Josie was so cute... anyway, I wanted to let you know I'm sorry."

"Alright."

"So... do you forgive me?"

"Do you want me to be honest?"

"Of course," he tells me, softening his voice.

"Okay, then. I don't care enough about you to forgive you. I don't hate you, I'm not mad, I don't care. I just don't care."

"Jo..." And the way he speaks, I can almost hear the sound of his jaw dropping. "I didn't mean those things I said yesterday. And I'm sorry for not calling. Things just have just been happening really fast for me. The truth is my mom got in a car accident about a week ago. I flew out to see her and um, she just passed away last night. I obviously haven't been handling it well. But I'm sorry. Whether you care or not."

I purse my lips and stare at the wall in front of me. I think about what he's saying and then I feel bad. I don't know if he's being honest. There's a strange type of pull in my stomach that feels like I should run from him as fast as I can, but if it is true, it's a little harsh. I close my eyes, trying to will myself to figure out how to handle it.

"Jo..."

"Yeah."

"You there?"

"Yeah."

"Can we meet up? Just to talk? How about the coffee shop right near your apartment? Casual and no alcohol."

"Yeah, okay. I guess." I wonder if he can hear the hesitation in my voice. If he can, he doesn't seem to care.

* * *

I walk into the coffee shop a little early, and I don't see Cory anywhere. Since I'm early, I expect it. I decide to get myself a hot chocolate and a toasted corn muffin, which is what I usually get when I come to this shop. It's predictable, but it still tastes good. I decide to sit at a small table in front of a booth with one chair on the other side. Because the chair is facing the window and I'm looking for Cory, I give up the booth seat just this once. Usually, it's my favorite though.

I start wondering about what I'm supposed to say to Cory. It's wrong to leave him in a time like this, right? But it's also wrong to lead him on. Especially because of Alex. I try to ignore the warmness in my cheek and feel grateful for Cory's constant tardiness. What even is with Alex. Do I like him? I mean, it would be kinda wrong, right? And relationships like that never work out. So either I'd have to want to marry him and spend my life with him or deal with the immense awkwardness of working for an ex. Being friends is definitely better. We seem to work really well as friends.

When I finish my muffin, I realize Cory is over 45 minutes late and instead of preparing to handle dealing with him, I've spent the whole time thinking about possible scenarios of how things could play out with Alex.

"Ma'am, do you mind if I take this?" A thin, tall brunette wearing an apron asks me pointing to my plate full of muffin crumbs.

"Oh, yeah go ahead! I'm all set." I tell her. She has a cloth, so she must be trying to wipe down all the tables. I decide to go ahead and leave. Even if Cory was being honest about the whole story, he could at least have the decency to call. This whole thing was his idea, anyway.

"Heeeeeeeey!"

I turn at the voice, slightly concerned about the darkness in the air from the setting sun and for some reason, the cold breeze.

"Cory?" I ask, squinting a little as he makes his way towards me. He's with a group of guys, all looking eerily similar to the persona Cory gives off. "Are you drunk?"

"Noooooooooooooo." Cory slurs. I cross my arms, mostly as a way to shield myself from the breeze.

"Lets go," I tell him. "I'll bring you home."

"Noooo, I'm out with my boys!" He yells at me. I'm slightly taken aback at the way he raises his voice, but I ignore it.

"Alright lets go. They're already leaving." I tell him, so he'll agree to go with me. "Say bye. You'll see them soon."

Driving, I realize I have no idea where Cory's apartment is and he's not really in a position to give me accurate directions, so I drive to mine. I figure I'll let him sleep it off, and in the morning I can tell him that I don't want anything to do with him. That sounds harsh. Maybe I'll tell him he needs to get help. I don't know.

I lead him up the stairs and to my bed. I look at him and sigh. What have you gotten yourself into Jo? How do you always pick 'em like this? I decide to sit at my desk and start writing when my phone vibrates.

Alex: Hey. U busy?

Me: Not rly. Y?

Alex: terrances surgery got moved up. nds to be done immediately. at the hospital. come now

Me: ok.

I think about how sweet it is Alex told me, because Terrance is a little girl I got especially attached to when she came in. He obviously knew I cared because he told me so I could come in. As I'm multitasking tying my hair up and walking to the front door, I see Cory and remember. If he wakes up he could destroy my apartment not knowing where he is... I probably shouldn't leave him like this anyway. But he probably won't wake up. I tell myself that as I lock the door behind me, at least.

_Dear Hannah,_

_Hey! I hope you wherever you are right now, you have everything you used to dream of when you were little. Me? I'm working on it still, I guess. I just got home like an hour ago because tomorrow is my day off. I kinda love that about my job. It's such weird hours, but I kinda like how it's not a traditional 9 to 5 job and the same thing every day type of thing. I think I'd go crazy doing that. Remember my job at the frozen yogurt place? The best days were when Rae would drop you off and you'd sit there and wait til I got off and I'd sneak you the free ice cream. You used to make the days so much better, even though I used to complain about that job so much. But finding a career is so much different. I wish I could be with you as you experience finding the one that's right for you. I wish I could give you the opportunity I had to find myself. But anyway, the reason I'm writing this time is because of Cory. A couple days ago he blew me off, and I ended up finding him drunk on the street outside the place we were supposed to meet. He had told me this story earlier about his mom dying and I actually believed it for a second. Until, get this, he was sleeping on my couch and his phone rang. I probably wouldn't have answered it but the caller ID said mom. It said mom was calling. The person he told me died a few days ago. I thought maybe it was his father or relative or something still using that number, but I couldn't resist and I picked up the phone. Imagine my surprise when I heard a middle aged woman asking for Cory. And when I asked who it is she said his mother. I didn't even know what to say. But that's not all. Before I could respond she asked me if it was Audrey. I asked who Audrey was and she said Cory's girlfriend and that she couldn't wait to meet me. Well Audrey really, not me. I guess Cory has told her lots about Audrey. I don't even know what to do about confronting him or who to talk to. Alex is really my best friend, but I can't talk to him about this stuff. It gets weird, plus he already thinks Cory is a douchebag so he wouldn't be the most understanding friend when it comes to this. I wish you were here. I valued your opinion so much. I think about you every day._

_With love,_

_Jo_


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: hello beautiful jolex lovers i am so so sorry i didn't update yesterday. i've been trying to update every day! but with the holidays and my best friend coming home i'm going to most likely be a little busy BUT since i won't be updating AS often, i've been thinking of a special holiday one shot i'll post on christmas eve. hopefully you guys will like it :) i hope you like the chapter and LEAVE REVIEWS! the more i get the more motivation i have to get these chapters up and posted!**

_Dear Hannah,_

_Remember when I first moved to Seattle and didn't know anyone? That was way easier than my life now. I broke up with Cory, but things just seem to be getting worse. He waits outside my apartment and follows me wherever I go. If any guy so much as talks to me, he jumps in and just makes it so embarrassing no one wants anything to do with me. I've called the police, but they can't do anything about it until there's violence involved. I don't know what to do. I can't make him stop. I'm afraid to tell Alex about it because he either is A) going to make me feel stupid for even starting with this guy or B) beat the living shit out of him... and I don't know which one is worse. It sucks because despite how confused I was about my feelings for Alex, he's still my only and closest friend and I feel like I'm lying to him by not telling him. I guess I'm still hoping that Cory will start acting like a normal human being and come to his senses and leave me alone. I wish I'd never met him. Sometimes I wish I never came here. But then I remember something like this probably would have happened anywhere, huh? I just attract these kind of things. I guess it was easier when I had you to distract me from it all. When I had one person in the world whom I was certain I loved. My hand is hurting a little tonight though, so I better wrap this letter up. I miss you, but you already know that. I wish I was with you._

_With love,_

_Jo_

Because I don't have to be work until the afternoon tomorrow, I decide to watch TV instead of trying to go to sleep right away. I usually have a real hard time falling asleep. I try reading a lot to get my eyes tired, but it doesn't always work. I just don't get tired at night. It's a pretty big source of anxiety for me, especially on the nights I have to wake up early. So when I don't, I like to relax, let myself fall asleep as naturally as possible. So I decide to watch my favorite TV show on netflix, Law & Order. The first time I saw it was when I was eleven. I had a foster mom named Karla who was obsessed with it, and she had boxed sets that were always playing on the tv. I thought for a little while I wanted to be a lawyer. Then for a while I wanted to be a judge, and I'd pretend to be one with my foster brother and sister that I shared my age with. Even after I realized I wanted to be a doctor, I always loved the show. The house I was living in at that time was probably one of my favorites. The parents were both really nice, Ryan and Karla. I only got moved because one of the older brothers, Taylor, tried to put his dick in my mouth. I punched him in the face then he beat me pretty bad. They said I was a danger there, and so I had to leave. But before Taylor, my life was good there. It reminded me of innocence. Ryan and Karla were good. I wonder how they're doing.

I get so wrapped up in the episode of Law & Order I'm watching, I don't even hear the door jiggling open. I don't hear footsteps or any sign of anyone. I don't hear a thing out of the ordinary until I hear Cory's voice.

"Cory!" I jump a mile out of my skin. "What are you doing here? How did you get in?"

"With my key."

"How do you have a key?" My eyes widen as I focus on the silver key in his hand.

"You gave it to me silly. Are we going to keep playing these games?"

"What games? Cory, you need to leave before I call the police. You are trespassing in my house."

"Oh," he laughs. "I don't think you're going to be calling the police."

"I will." I say, trying not to let my voice expose how I feel. For the first time since I met Cory, I'm afraid of him. But he can't know. That will only make it worse.

"Get away from me..." I warn him, as he takes steps closer.

"That's not what you were saying to the guy giving you your coffee earlier." He says, and for a moment I'm truly confused. I think about getting coffee earlier at the hospital, and realize he must have been watching me.

"Oh god, Cory. Are you serious?"

"Are YOU serious? Are YOU fucking serious? You're the one who's such a whore that she's willing to give it up to every guy who fucking talks to her."

"Cory. I BROKE UP with you!" I remind him.

"Do you think us taking a break gives you some excuse to go around this town embarrassing me? You know you whoring it out for every guy who looks your way doesn't just look bad on you. It affects MY life too."

"I'm not doing anything!" I yell. "And it doesn't matter what I do."

"How am I supposed to love you when I can't fucking trust you?" Cory yells so loud I see his vain in his forehead, but only for a moment, because I'm soon covering my face with my hand. Did he really just do that?

"Oh god, I am so sorry babe. I am so sorry, I didn't mean it. I fucking love you so much, Josie. It hurts how much I love you. It makes me crazy. I'm so sorry." He is pleading, but I do not say anything. I cannot respond nor can I look up. I feel so small that my voice has vanished. I let this happen, I think. I let him treat me like this because I demanded no better for myself. The mix of emotions boils down to one: shame. I begin walking for the door, though I have no idea where I am going; this is my apartment.

"Jo, wait." He says, grabbing my arm. But it does not sound like a plead, it resembles a demand.

"Get off me." I say elbowing him in the ribcage in the process of getting free. He bends over in pain and I make it through the door. I feel safer when I leave the apartment, because I'm in public. As long as I stay in range of people able to hear me, I don't think he'll do anything, if he decides to follow me.

I get in my car and lock the doors immediately. When I start driving, I do not think about where to go, because I'll chicken out of it. I let muscle memory guide me home.

* * *

"Jo? What are you doing here?" I hear as the door opens, and I realize I can't go back now. I am here.

"Can I stay here tonight?"

He stares at me, his eyes pointing to the bruising almost covering both my arms. I guess there was so much adrenaline in getting away, I didn't even notice.

"Please?"

He opens the door wider and puts his hand on my back as I walk in.

"What happened?" He asks me sitting on his bed next to me, but his tone sounds angry.

"Alex, don't be mad. You have to promise." I plead.

"I'm not promising anything." He tells me, sounding even more angry. And then out of nowhere, I start bawling. I don't know if it's from Cory or Alex or Hannah or messing up my first solo surgery or just that real sad episode of Law & Order I was watching, but I can't stop or catch my breath. Alex looks scared of me, and then I start laughing while I cry because of his reaction and because I honestly can't believe the situation I'm in.

"Have you finally lost it?" He asks, trying not to laugh.

"Oh my god," I say worriedly, laughing harder now. "Probably."

He laughs with me or at me, I don't know. But then his face is straight again. "Jo." He says sternly. "Tell me what happened."

"I don't want you to hate me." I admit, not meeting his eyes.

"I don't hate you."

"Not yet." I tell him.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: thank you guys for being patient with me:) last update before christmas... if you celebrate i hope you guys are getting in the spirit! i'm so excited :) happy holidays/winter/life to everyone no matter who and where you are! :P keep an eye out for a cute christmas spirited jolex one shot posted tomorrow! thanks for all the views & reviews! thank you thank you thank you!**

"I would never hate you." Alex promises me.

"That's because you don't know how stupid I am yet."

"Jo." He says simply.

"Okay," I start, reluctantly. I look him up and down. "I've been having some trouble with Cory."

"What kind of trouble? I thought you broke up with him."

"I did. The problem was that he didn't really like that," I confess. "He's been sort of... following me. He doesn't like me talking to anyone. I swear, one time he beat the shit out of a guy that I was talking to after I left. I can't confirm that though. Anyway, today..." I start, my throat filling up with tears. I didn't feel like I was going to cry, but all of a sudden the need for it is overwhelming. "He came into my house. I was just going to watch tv for a little. He must have made a copy of my key-"

"Slow down." Alex tells me, his fingertips resting on my arm. I nod, realizing how fast I was speaking.

"He started yelling at me because of how I talked to a guy giving me coffee earlier. It was so insane I... He was saying how I'm a whore and I make him look bad. It got so bad. I left him in my apartment... I don't know where he is now or anything."

"These bruises...?" He says, eyeing my arms.

My jaw trembles before I can meet his eyes and nod.

"He hurt you?"

"It just got so bad." I tell him.

"It's okay. It's okay now." He tells me.

"No. It's never ending. He's never going to leave me alone."

"I'm going to make sure of it. I promise you, okay?"

Something in how he speaks so matter-of-factly makes it feel true. He's not saying it because he wants to seem tough or wants me to believe something of him, but because he's being honest. He is truly telling me he's going to be there.

* * *

"Have you seen Dr. Torres' case today?" Stephanie says coming up behind me.

I scrunch my eyes and turn towards her. "What is it?"

"A 15 year old boy fell in a construction hole and they didn't notice and stop work for three HOURS after. He was pulmonized by a bulldozer and no one knew he was down there."

"What! Hours? Are you on?"

"Yep. Torres said she needed all the hands she can get though, so if you want on, you're on."

"No way," I say in disbelief, but quickly clarify with "Yes!". I follow Stephanie to the exam room, and my jaw drops at the patient.

At the end of my shift, Dr. Torres is monitoring post-ops. I want to stay but when I yawn she yells at me to go home.

"What's with the face?" Alex says coming up next to me, holding a chart.

"Nothing. What do ya got?"

"Chart for a little girl with Osteogenesis Imperfecta."

"The little girl everyone thought was being abused?"

"Yep. She's in recovery now."

"Poor baby," I say glancing at the chart. "Listen, Alex..." I start. "I can stay with Stephanie if it's too much trouble for you. You've been so good."

"Stop. I like having you there." He admits.

"You do?"

"Yeah," he says. "I like knowing you're with me."

* * *

_Dear Hannah,_

_How are you? Sorry I haven't written in a few months. After the incident with Cory things started to calm down a little. I stayed with Alex for almost three weeks until I got my own apartment again. But ever since then, we've sort of been seeing each other. I know Han, I know, it's my boss. But I just feel like if it was so wrong it wouldn't feel so good, ya know? I guess I sound ridiculous. I definitely don't want to ever be "that" girl. It's hard to find a balance between that because you don't want to give up something that truly makes you happy, you know? I don't even know if anything with Alex is serious. I think he wants to keep it casual and I'm fine with that for now. I don't think I'm ready to commit myself to anybody right now, but if I did, I could see myself with Alex. For some reason I trust him more than I ever believed I'd trust anybody. It's a little scary. It's like letting your guard down. I always believed the whole guard up, wall up against the world thing was just bologna. But I don't know, I think the metaphor is kind of accurate. I think people really do put a wall up when they need one to survive. The only person I ever remember caring this much about was... you. But I'm not forgetting you, I promise. I never stop thinking about you. Christmas is coming pretty soon, and I can't wait to hang up the purple ornament with your name on it. It reminds me every year what's important. It reminds me that I'm not alone too, because usually physically- I am. I wonder about this year, though. Maybe I won't be. Maybe I'll spend the holidays this year with Alex, whether we're doing it as a couple or not. Either way, it will be nice to have someone. You never really realize how lonely you are until you have someone that reminds you what it's like not to be. Even when I'm not with Alex, I'm not alone. I don't think I'm willing to give that up, Han. And that scares me a little. Anyway, I hope all is well with you. I'm wishing you the best holidays yet- because I think that might be what they are for me this year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Han. I'll write soon to let you know how it all went._

_With love,_

_Jo_


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